Our relationship was never better.
My wife, Boo and myself had never been closer than we were a few months after her mother passed away. A tragedy that affected the both of us in ways we never imagined, we had finally gotten to a place where we were happy.
Kind of.
The thing is, about two years prior we kind of figured out that we had drifted apart as a couple; however, we were trying to make it work. When our mothers passed away, it acted as a rally between us. It was a test. We needed each other in those times and we answered the call with love.
2014 would be our year.
Months into the new year, we ended up with a realization - we loved each other very much; however, neither of us felt that what we wanted in life was compatible with what the other wanted. We continued to drift apart, sure but it was unusual because we still wanted to hang out and be a part of the other's life. We were becoming platonic best friends.
Confessing our feelings about one another in a long heartfelt talk we knew we needed to divorce. We just couldn't fix what was wrong despite the three years of work trying to fix the problem. Turns out, there was no problem - more of a misinterpretation of feelings.
Not to be mistaken, we were rather upset about this development in our lives, but even though we took a third shot at fixing it briefly - it was over. It was definately over.
2014 was essentially a year of rebuilding.
Boo and I were now separated.
Living apart has helped with the transition and while she has found herself a great guy who she is now dating, my experiment in dating was...shall we say outstandingly unsuccessful and has pretty much scared me from the whole idea of dating for quite some time. Especially dating people I don't know first.
Besides, I wasn't ready.
As time has passed, I have been growing more and more depressed. I have been having these wonderful professional highs and I'm, frankly, more popular than ever. There is just a melancholy that falls over me when I get off of work.
Ever since my daughter started school there has been days I'll just sit in my desk when I clock out. Once, my friend asked as he walked out the door why I hadn't left and I didn't tell him the truth. I had no place I really wanted to be.
I would walk into my apartment, sit everything down and try not to worry about the terrible smell the dog we had left in the carpet. The cat that belonged to Boo was basically mine now, she feeling that I needed a companion - and rightfully so. I just wish I had a companion that wasn't so...scratchy.
I started trying to meet someone online, but it has mostly only been good for stand up material. Most of the women who have a lot in common with me won't respond and when they do they are generally terrible at holding conversations.
I had been talking with a lot of women I'm attracted who are friends of mine, but the only ones who flirt are in relationships. I'm certain they will lose interest once they are single. That seems to happen a lot.
I met a woman on one of the apps I had who had a lot in common with me, was supper sweet, attractive, and was SUPER into me but I have a horrible habit of knowing how and why we would break up eventually. I could see many happy years, honestly but eventually one of us would get tired of the other if our relationship had progressed. I could feel it.
This doesn't even go into the fact that I harbor a deep love for someone who knows how I feel for her. While we are happy to be best friends, I can't help but fall for her all over again every I see her. I SWEAR there are times that I'll be an idiot and think that she had fallen for me because of some little thing until eventually she told me that I needed to "stop thinking." I was and still am devastated, but that's life.
I guess I'm still not ready.
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